Thursday, July 14, 2005

Just a Legality

Courtesy of my brother, via Disorder in the Courts of America, a book which claims to have gleaned these from actual court reports.

Although in all fairness I think one of the reasons so much humor has exists at the expense of lawers is that, unlike artists and architects, they have the misfortune of working in a profession which regorously rechords every slip of the tongue...

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do.ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Mark said...

I remember some of these from when I was in mock trial in high school. I feel sorry for the attorneys, actually; they have to ask really dumb questions sometimes just to get certain facts on the record.

These are quite a hoot, though. Thanks. :-)

Kelly Jo said...

Thanks for providing a laugh break for my co-workers and I!

Filia Dei said...

You are both welcome!

Now I just have to find some good Litugical Design Consultant jokes so I'm not hypocrytically exploiting other people's professions...